That sad feeling

Talked with my mom last night. She called to tell me that my aunt (Tia) is going the the neurologist for a MRI on Monday. My aunt was suppose to have surgery a couple of months ago to remove an aneurysm in her stomach. Well, when they did some more tests prior to the surgery they found that she has an aneurysm on her brain. I talked to her the other day and I can hear in her voice that she's terrified. My mom and sister are there with her to help out as much as they can. Mom and Malu are coming home Monday after the MRI, so hopefully the doctor will have the results then. Just as I was hanging up the phone with my mom she said to me, "Your Tia said that she could really use a bear hug from Frank right now." I held my emotion in until I hung up the phone and then the tears came. Frank asked what was wrong and I told him what my Tia said and it really hit him. The sad look on his face......my Tia knows if we could we would be there in a heartbeat. Frank and I both feel so hellpless in this situation. All's we can do is keep her in our prayers and send her good vibes.

Another Thanksgiving has come and gone

Why is it that you do all the shopping, then all the planning, all the cooking, and then all the cleaning for a meal that seems to take less than 30 minutes to eat?? So much work goes into Thanksgiving and it seems as if you blink it's gone. I guess this is just something we will never understand.

After Thanksgiving comes "Black Friday". Why in the world do people get up in the middle of the night to go shopping for holiday bargains?? I ask myself this question each year that I'm standing in line at the crack of dawn waiting for a store to open freezing my ass off!! LOL Yep, this year was no different, well it was a little different - we were in line at 3am instead of 5am. After shopping each year I say the same thing, "there is no way in hell I'm doing this again". When will I ever listen to myself.

The last couple of days have been strange for me...not only because my mom is not here but because I've been feeling like a terrible stepmom. Matthew's been with us since Thursday morning (730am). I'm trying sooooo hard to be patient with him, but it's not working. Everything he does seems to get on my last nerve. He's acting they way he did when he lived with us and it's bugging the hell out of me. He's suppose to be staying with us until Sunday but I really want to take him back to his group home in the morning. I know if I tell Frank this it will hurt his feelings and I don't want to do that....so again, I will put my feelings aside and just grin and bear it. I'm to the point that I don't even want him to come visit for five days (FIVE LONG DAYS) for Christmas....I sound like a horrible person don't I...I hate myself for feeling this way but I can't change the way I feel, I can only hide it.

Then Sunday we are meeting Jeff and Alison for lunch. Alison, who I used to talk to each and every day, has decided that I'm a bad parent because I couldn't handle my stepson. Sure, she works with special needs kids (3-6 year old) and thinks she knows what we went through, but she has no clue. She wasn't there when Matthew would say he hated me and didn't want me to have anything to do with me, she wasn't there when Matthew looked me in the eyes and said I was NOT his mother, she was not there when Matthew said he was sorry he ever came to live with us, she was not there the night that I collapsed with chest pains because of the hurt I was feeling. She only saw the Matthew that was the perfect kid when he would go and spend the day or weekend with her. She was not there to see the tears that rolled down my face everyday for over two years, she wasn't there as I had to sit through therapy sessions with Matthew saying how unhappy he was with everything, she wasn't the one that took so many days off from work to take Matthew to his doctor appointments and then to have him not appreciate me using my own personal vacation time for him, not me and Frank, but for him. Sure I didn't give birth to him, but I've given him more attention, support, and love than is biological mother ever did, yet Alison tends to forget that. How, please tell me how am I suppose to sit through a lunch, with a smile on my face acting like nothing is wrong....I'm a good actress but I don't think I'm that good. No one will ever understand what I've given to my stepsons and the hurt I feel because they never appreciated anything I did. How hard is it to say "thank you" to someone, how hard is it to say "I appreciate you doing this for me", how hard is it to be respectful???

I'm thankful for....

my amazing life, my wonderful husband who loves me no matter what, for this cute little puppy that is laying in my lap. I'm thankful for my mom who has always been there for me, my oldest sister for being the person she is, for my sister Rose for being such a ding-a-ling (in a good way) she always makes me laugh, for my sister Malu for being my best friend and always being there to listen to me and have a shoulder for me to cry on, for my brother for raising an amazing daughter. I'm thankful for all of my nieces, nephews, great nieces and great nephews, I just wish I could see them more. You have all grown up to be great people...I look forward to seeing what you all become in the future. I'm thankful that my stepson, Matthew, has figured out I'm not a bad person and wants me to be a part of his life. I'm thankful for my friends that have stayed in my life...those I've known since junior high school and those I've just met and all of those inbetween. I'm thankful for my friendship that has been rekindled with Becky....we've gone through major changes in both of our lives and were brought back to each other's lives for a reason...I promise to never let our friendship go again. I'm thankful for the opportunity to go to New York and see Ground Zero where so many lives were lost and the place that changed the lives of all Americans. I'm thankful for my doctors that have been trying so hard to figure out what is wrong with me....after all the tests we still don't know, but as long as I feel healthy I'm not going to let it get me down. I'm thankful for my personal angels that watch over me everyday. I'm thankful that I don't have to work and am able to be with Frank all the time. I'm thankful for the times that we've been able to play tourists and all of the places we'be been to and seen. I could probably go on and on for all the things I'm thankful for but my fingers would end up falling off....LOL

Missing the old days

We are leaving for Fresno tomorrow for Thanksgiving. I always remember Thanksgiving as being a family holiday. I have so many memories of past Thanksgivings....family would come in from out of town, there would be sleeping bags all on the floors of the cousins that would be there, the mom's in the kitchen fixing the dinner, all the good smells, the loud noises, football on the tv, but now everyone has gone their separate ways. Extended families no longer come for the holiday. My dad is in heaven watching over us all, mom and Malu are at Tia's in Tucson because Tia is having some medical issues and not sure how she's going to come through them, my sibilings are all married with families of their own so they will be having there own dinners. Frank and I are making our own dinner, Matthew will be there and I'm sure some of my sibilings, nieces, and nephews will come to visit, but it just won't be the same. I know things change as we get older, but how I long for those Thanksgivings past where the house was busting with so many people.

I always get sentimental this time of the year. I remember the boy I was dating in high school during this time of the year because we both went through a tramatic time. Lenny's father was in an auto accident the day before Thanksgiving and then a week later my father passed away. We were both there for each other, but then drifted away. A couple of weeks ago I received and email from Lenny out of the blue. We have not seen or talked with each other since 1981. We both think of the other during this time of the year, but never knew the other thought of the other until we started emailing back and forth.

I have so much to be thankful for.....I have a wonderful husband, who loves me for who I am....I have my family that I appreciate more than they will ever know....my health has been better than it has been in quite some years....I have met some wonderful new people this past year and have developed some new friendships with them....I've reconnected with one of my best friends, who I have missed so much.

I do hope that during this time of the year everyone stops to think of what they are thankful for and that they give thanks.

My life as a stepmom

Since I was a little girl I had always wanted to be married and be a mom. Isn't this the dream every little girl has? I was married the first time at 23. After about three months of being married I began feeling different. So I went to a clinic and had a pregnancy test done. It came back positive. I was on Cloud Nine but at the same time terrified. What the heck was I going to do with a baby. I was just adjusting to being a wife and now I was going to be someone's mom. I made an appointment for the following day with my doctor. After another pregnancy test and exam, the doctor told me I was not going to have a baby. I was one of the unlucky ones to have a false positive test. I was heartbroken. At that point I decided that I did want a baby and was going to get what I wanted. After a year of trying, I had to go and see a specialist. I was put on medication and after having female exams every six to eight weeks for two years, I was still not pregnant. Everyone kept telling me to relax and it would happen....that is probably one of the worst things you can say to someone that is trying to have a child. Years after being on the medication I did research to find out that the medication I was on could actually cause infertility. After seven years I finally came to the conclusion that I was not meant to have a baby. My first marriage fell apart after 9 years of marriage. It fell apart for many reasons...not being able to have a baby, a very controlling husband, and the fact that I was not "in love" with my husband. I loved him as a person, but I was not in love with him the way a wife is suppose to love a husband, and I didn't feel it was fair to either of us to stay married.

Frank then came into my life. We started out as friends....he was there for me when I needed a friend as I was going through a very bad divorce. He flew me out to Las Vegas to be with him for the weekend. The first time he put his arms around me I knew I loved him and that he was my soul mate. We had a wonderful weekend together....I didn't want it to ever end. Three weeks later I was packing my car up and moving to be with him in Las Vegas. We were married eight months later. When I introduced him to my family they instantly fell in love with him. Everyone saw how happy I finally was. We too tried to have a baby....but I refused to involve medication. I hated all the chemicals that were pumped into my body. I was also to the point that I told myself if I was meant to be a mom I would be, and for once in my life I was okay with that. Although Frank had two boys from a previous marriage, they did not live with him. In fact he did not know where they were....their mother had run off with them.

Fastforward to present time......the boys came back into Frank's life about three and a half years ago. Tommy does not talk with us....apparently he's mad because we didn't make a big deal about him breaking up with his girlfriend. Matthew lives in Fresno in a group home. We went a few months that he didn't want us to be a part of his life and that hurt Frank so much. Matthew is now wanting us to be a part of his life. I've done a lot for these boys that aren't even my children yet they wanted more. They were not grateful for anything and began to expect things and when I didn't come through with what they wanted they shut me out. I finally got to the point where I was tired of being taken advantage of and refuse to be treated with no respect. Matthew is trying very hard to mend the fence the destroyed by hurt me and his dad. Tommy, well I don't know if he'll ever come around. It's his loss...but the sad thing is, he doesn't even realize how much he is hurting his dad.

I take one day at a time with the boys. I have a wonderful husband that loves me and accepts me for who I am.

One thing has come out of this though.....I am a mom, and everytime Matthew calls me "mom" my heart smiles.