Another move

Today is our last day here in Alameda. Frank should be home around 6pm, we'll finish loading up the last few bags and then hit the road to Fresno. We pretty much have this packing thing down to a science. I finished loading what I could in the trailer and I know he'll come home and move things around....it's gotta be a guy thing. Once we get to Fresno I need to finish getting up packed for our cruise, get up early Saturday, run to Wal-mart to get a couple of things we forgot to get last night, go to the bank for some cash and then hit the road for Los Angeles!! Once we get there Frank will drop me off for my fills and pedicure, maybe I'll get my eye brows waxed too, then he'll go and check into our hotel. I will call him when I'm done, go back to the hotel, get dressed for dinner, and then go and meet our wonderful friends at Chicago for Ribs. Tomorrow is the start of a fantastic week....I can't wait!!!

The Bucket List

I've never been one to write down things I would like to see or do before I die, but as I get older I have realized that there is so much more I want to do and figured if I wrote them down to actually see the list then maybe, just maybe, I would be more apt to do them.




Eat pasta in Italy
Book either a balcony or suite on a cruise ship
See Jacob graduate from high school
Help put my godkids through college
Donate $1,000 to breast cancer research
Camp at the Grand Canyon
Watch Old Faithful
Go to a Broadway show
Go see the Ellen Show
Stay the weekend at a really nice hotel in Las Vegas
Marry Frank again on our 20th anniversary
Volunteer at a hospital or school
Learn sign language
Get into a pair of size 6 jeans
Get off all of my medications
Visit all 50 states
Travel through the Panama Canal
Have dinner with a celebrity
Hike South Mountain in Phoenix
See Niagara Falls
See the Pyramids in Egypt
See the Vatican
Get a boob job and tummy tuck
Walk a Hawaiian beach with Frank
Go to an all-inclusive to the Bahama's
Take my mom and sisters on a cruise
Be in a Texas Hold'em tournament
Learn to play Guitar Hero


This is just a partial list....I'm sure more things will come to me and I will just have to come back and add them to the list.

The money we spend

As I was doing my hair this morning I looked around the counter at all the items I use to get ready in the morning. I start off with putting Chi in my hair for softness and frizz control. Next comes the cream to straighten the hair. Then I reach for the blow dryer (one of three that I own) and a round brush (can't believe I actually spent $20 for this brush). Once the hair is dried I plug in the flat iron. The one I'm using now is a new one and I am floored I spent over $100 for it, but it works and I love it. Once the hair is straightened out comes the serum to keep fly away and then hairspray to keep in place.

Next comes the make-up. I've never really been one to do her make-up everyday but the last few months that has changed. Sure I don't work and most of the time I stay indoors, but I feel better after doing my hair and make-up. I look at how much I've spent on my make-up and wonder if Frank really knows how much it costs. He's fine with what I spend though.

I'm just amazed at how much I have spent on all of this stuff, but if it makes me feel better then it's well worth the money.

Restless nights

I hate when I know I have to go to sleep but can't seem to turn my brain off. I've been having so many restless nights lately....maybe it's because I miss my family and I'm excited to see my mom, maybe it's because I still have lots to do and so little time, maybe it's because vacation time is just around the corner and I'll be spending a week not only with Frank but with Becky and Walt, who knows what keeps me awake....all's I know is I need sleep. I've turned to over-the-counter sleep aids and they work a bit, but only when I get past the weird dreams and hallucinations. I envy those that can lay their head on a pillow and be out like a light. I've never been able to do that. I tend to lay and run my day through my head and then I start thinking of the things I didn't get done or forgot to do and then start thinking of what I need to do for the next day. I've become so depended on my BlackBerry to write everything in it that I need to do and on what days I need to do it. There are some nights that I lay awake wondering if my phone is going to ring in the middle of the night with bad news....sad, huh? I've tried putting off discussing this with my doctor but it's looking like I'm going to have to talk with her about it. I just wish I knew how to turn off my brain when I don't need it on.

Siblings

I come from a large family. There are five of us and I'm the youngest. Over the years we have all had our issues with each other. There was a time when I didn't talk to my oldest sister for quite a few years, and then my brother and I went without talking for a few years. They say you don't get to pick your family and that's true.....basically I'm stuck with them, or should I say they are stuck with me?? LOL

This is a breakdown of my siblings and my thoughts of them:

Pat: She's the oldest. She is ten years older than I am. She has three kids (Lisa, Mia, and Larry) and has seven grandkids). She was not a nice mother and it shows in her kids. She used to lock her kids in their room if she wanted to go out. She's a very controlling person with her kids and grandkids. Lisa and Larry both moved away to get away from their mother....it's probably the best thing they could have done. She's not like any of us in the sense that she does not like to share. She's never included my mom or any of us in anything. She's married to a man that most of us can't stand (this is her second marriage). She was always putting her husband's family in front of her own family. I think the thing that hurts me the most is when my dad was in the hospital he used to ask us all if Pat was going to see him, and when we told him no you could see the hurt in his eyes. She now has to live with the fact that she hurt our dad more than she will ever know. Nowadays, I "tolerate" Pat for my mom's sake. She's still very controlling and has to have all the attention on her. If one of us is sick, then she's sick too but usually ten times worse than us. I know she still hurts my mom but not inviting her to go to lunch and even drives my our mom's house and doesn't bother to stop. She doesn't think mom knows but she does know.

Rose: Next comes Rose. She's the ding-a-ling of our family. She has three girls (Roseanna, Angelena, and Anissa) and seven grandkids. She would do anything for any of us as long as it fits into her schedule. She's always running around but I'm not sure what it is she's doing. I usually only hear from her when she needs help with her computer or when she doesn't understand how to fill out the insurance papers for her husband. She's been married to the same man for, I think, thirty-four years. Her husband, Rick, used to be such a nice guy to be around, but the last few years he's become a real asshole. He's very possessive of my sister and has to know where she is at all times. It's sad because Rose lets him control her this way. Rose is one that I can always count on for emotional support, again, if and when she can fit me into her schedule. Her oldest, Roseanna, is a great mom. She was a teenage mother and has four wonderful kids. She's put herself through college and is about to start the Masters program for get her PhD. She's been married to the same man for many years. They are great parents and always put their kids first. Next comes Angelena who I have no contact with. She's isolated herself from most of us, which is really sad. Last but not least is Anissa, who is my goddaughter. At this time she's living with Angelena but I'm not sure why....Rose hasn't told us what is going on.

Malu: Nicknamed LuLu, she's the one that calls me everyday, or when I'm at my mom's she comes over with her dogs everyday so they can all play together. She's had so many medical problems. She's a licensed vocational nurse but hasn't been able to work in over ten years. She keeps her license up-to-date with hopes that she'll be able to return to work someday. She's such a strong person. She has her good days and her bad days. Although she still gets around and drives herself to places I don't think this will be the case for long. She has to use a cane to get around and at times she has to use a walker or wheelchair. She's not letting her illness get her down. She's on so many drugs but very rarely do you hear her complain. I couldn't imagine my life without her. She's my Starbucks drinking buddy!! She's got a son, who unfortunately is in prison. I don't know why he's there nor have I asked her. I know there are times that she feels ashamed but I always remind her it's not her fault and that Justin just made some bad decisions. I've taken her to see Justin in prison a few times. She lives with her partner, Trish, who until recently I never really got to know. Trish is good to her but tends to rely on my sister way too much. My sister would do anything for any of us.

Ernesto: Nicknamed, Neto. He's three years older than I am. Growing up, we hated each other. He was very protective of me and I hated that. We used to fight all the time. It wasn't until he went into the Army that I realized I really loved him. I guess they are right, you don't know what you have until it's gone. My brother is married to Marion who he met when he was over in Germany. They have been married almost twenty-five years and have two kids...Melissa and Daniel, and one granddaughter, Eva. Melissa and I are very close. She's a wonderful mother to Eva and enjoys life. Daniel is extremely spoiled by his mother, but is learning that he has to do things for himself. He's got his first real job working at the children's hospital in their janitorial department. My brother and I went through a time when we didn't talk. He didn't like my ex husband, and at the time I resented him for that. He was very supportive when I went through my divorce and was happy that I had found Frank. At this time, we are on speaking terms but prefer not to be around each other......long story short, he used to work for Frank, but decided he wanted to get paid for work that he didn't do so Frank let him go. I kept telling Frank not to hire family, but did he listen....NO!! Oh well, we will get through this.

You always hear people talk about their dysfunctional families and you think your's is just the same. Sure, we are dysfunctional but when needed we are always there for each other. I love and miss my siblings when I'm away and I need to make more of an effort to let then know so.

Saturdays

Remember when you were young and Saturday mornings meant getting up early, grabbing a bowl of sugared cereal (hoping to get the toy surprise before any of your other sibilings get it), and sitting on the couch watching cartoons?? Whatever happened to the cartoons we grew up with? Whatever happened to the fun toys you would get in the boxes of cereal? Some times I miss those days. Now are Saturdays are filled with grocery shopping, laundry, errands, cleaning....you know all that NOT so fun stuff. I guess that's what happens when you grow up.

This Saturday is not a typical Saturday at the Rhodes household. Frank had to be at work at 7am this morning (he usually doesn't have to work weekends), so while he's at work I'm doing the laundry, packing up to go home on Friday, getting our suitcases packed for our cruise, and watching the doggies sleep. Jazzi is laying next to me and must be dreaming about something because she's breathing hard and her legs are twitching. Do you ever wonder what the dogs dream about?? Maybe it's about chasing a cat, doing tricks for treats, chasing their tail....who knows.

Okay, lets tackle this laundry issue. Am I the only one that hates doing laundry?? It's not hard to do, heck the machines do all the work, but I have to do the sorting, checking the pockets to see what Frank has left in them, then the folding of the clothes. You have to get them out of the dryer right away and fold them otherwise you are stuck ironing.....and don't get me going on ironing, that's another gripe in itself. Okay, so laundry is folded, my back is killing me, now I have to put this laundry away where I don't have much closet space nor are there enough drawers (the draw backs of hotel living), but I manage to get everything in it's place. Now it's time to sit down and relax and check out my watched items on Ebay. But wait, Abby wakes up and wants to go out and go potty. When we get back in we are greeted at the door by Jazzi....it's her turn. Back in the room, once again I sit down to check Ebay, but what do I hear....Abby scratching in the water bowl letting me know they are out of water. I jump up to fill their bowl otherwise she will sit there and scratch in the bowl until I get up. In the mean time, I'm outbid on an item on Ebay, by the time I get back to put in my next bid, the auction has closed!!! Guess it just wasn't meant to be.

Friendship

Best....excelling all others. Friend....attached to another by affection or esteem. Both as defined by Webster. Best Friend....Becky Sawusch. This is defined by me.

How is it that someone you haven't seen in over eight years (however, that will not be the case as of Saturday, October 25th.....eight more sleeps!!) can still know you so well?? How is it that someone you thought you had lost as part of your life can walk back in and pick up where we left off? How is it that you can have such a strong bond with someone that you both have the same kind of dogs and didn't even know before getting your own dog?? How is it this person can still love you the way she does when you weren't there for her in the most difficult times in her life??

So many people go through life with friends and acquaintances, but how many can say that they have a BEST FRIEND? I feel so totally blessed that I can say that. Sure, I married my best friend....that's how everyone's spouse should be to them, but I'm talking about a girl friend who knows you maybe better than you know yourself.

There aren't many things I look forward to or get really excited about but for the last six months or so I've been so excited about our upcoming vacation. Why you ask?? Well, it's easy....I get to spend a week with my BEST FRIEND and her hubby.....oh yeah, my hubby with be there too!! LOL I look so forward to grabbing a lounge chair on the Lido Deck, with a drink in hand, and my BEST FRIEND next to me talking and catching up. What shall we do with the husbands?? They are on their own!! LOL Okay, not for the entire cruise, but at least one day.

I've missed out on the last eight years of her life and I vow never to do that again. Sure, we live in different states, but thank goodness for technology.....how the heck did we live without email, webcams, cell phones, and text messaaging?? I'm so ready to make new memories with Becky and Walt. Frank and I are so excited that they have chose to spend their vacation with us and drive such a long way to make this happen.

Becky, you mean the world to me and I want to take this opportunity to say, "I'm so sorry for not being there for you when you needed me most". I love you so much and I can't put into words how happy I am that you are apart of my life once again.

Watch out Mexico....here come the Rhodes and Sawusch!!!

Life without my babies would be so boring. Who else would I get up at 4 in the morning to take outside in the cold and rain?? Who else would I let lick my toes when I can't even stand when people touch my feet? Who is it that you can talk to and they don't say a thing but just cock their head a certain way that you know they totally understand?? Who else is it that gives the sweetest puppy kisses just when you need them? I couldn't imagine my life without Jazzi or Abby. Sure, there are times they drive me crazy and I think they know when they do. I swear having two of them they gang up on me at times. I never really understood people that took their pets everywhere with them....shopping, in the car, to outdoor restaurants, doggy daycare.....well, I have become one of those people. Jazzi or Abby had never been left home alone until recently, and it's only for an hour or two. If we have a day planned of running around and know that we wouldn't be home for a few hours then the girls go into doggy daycare. When traveling with the girls, we check to see what is available to take our doggies to....restaurants, shopping centers, and of course, dog parks. It amazes me how these little dogs give you so much love and in return they only want food, a warm place to sleep, and the occassional scratch behind the ears. Thank you girls for filling my life with such joy.

This is day five of my new way of life. I feel really good and seem to already have more energy than I did last week. I love all the food I'm eating......I could live on fruits and vegetables. I've been going to the gym every night, except I took last night off, and walking on the treadmill. We've been taking the dogs out for walks. Our first weigh-in is on Saturday. I'm excited to see how much I've lost. Although I have a long-term goal, I'm just taking one day at a time. I know that being older and having my thyroid problem it's going to be harder for me to lose the weight but I'm not going to give up.....I'M GOING TO DO THIS!!!

So much to do, so little time....well, for me it's more like so much time, so little to do. Even though I don't have much to do these days it seems like I don't have time for much. Being here in Wisconsin is different. The people here are, how shall I say....rude, well not all of them but most of them are. We really haven't done much sightseeing because Abby was spayed a week ago and needs two weeks to recover. It's not bad staying at home....we are saving lots of money and actually spending time together. I'm excited because we are going on a cruise in October and Becky and Walt will be joining us. It will be so much fun hanging out with them and reconnecting. I'm so glad that they are back in our lives...where they belong. Another birthday has come and gone. This one was extremely hard for me because I was away (faraway) from my family. I so much wanted to spend Mother's Day with mom, but I know there will be more to celebrate with her. Everytime I talk with LuLu she and I end up crying on the phone together. She's going through so many medical problems right now and it kills me to know that I can't be there with her. All in all, life is moving right along. I'm still loving the life I've picked and wouldn't trade it for the world.

Mixed emotions

This has been a really emotional week for me. After being so excited about going home for some much needed TLC from my mom and sisters I found out that we won't be going back to California. Instead we are heading up to Pleasant Prairie, Wisconsin. I'm totally excited about going to some more states I've never been to but at the same time I'm super sad that I won't see my family until the end of June. When I called to tell my mom she sounded so disappointed but I held it together. Wish I could have done the same when I talked with my sister, Malu. I couldn't stop crying. I miss her so much....she's not doing well physically and that makes it even harder for me to be away. I think this is the longest I've ever been away from my family. Sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on so much but at the same time I'm so enjoying my time with Frank and the dogs. How can I feel so sad and happy at the same time??

Once again, our time here in Texas has changed. Seems as if the Sephora owners want Frank to be onsite until they turn over the keys to them, which is the 24th of April. So now we are looking at leaving here on the 25th. Frank's suppose to be in Palo Alto on the 28th which means we wouldn't have anytime in Fresno, so Frank has emailed one of the VP's to see if they can postpone it until the 30th, that way we have a couple of days with my mom.

I'm a bit bummed though.....here my cousin lives an hour from us yet we never got to go out with them. We got to see him only because we went to Home Depot to see him (that's where he works). I emailed him and called him quite a few times but seems as if his schedule never seemed to meet up with ours. It just seems so sad that with family this close you would think he would want to make an effort to see us. Oh well, it's his loss.

The girls are excited about going to grandma's house. Well, Jazzi's excited....Abby has no clue!! I know my mom's excited about seeing Jazzi and meeting Abby.

Okay, so things have changed...and it really doesn't surprise me. We are now leaving Texas on the 23rd and will be in Fresno on the 25th. We will be there for the weekend and then leave on Sunday the 27th and Frank will begin working on the 28th.

Just got off the phone with mom. She's so excited that we are coming home. At least we'll have two days with her and not just overnight. I can't wait to see her and my sisters. The dogs are going to love being there. Jazzi loves her big backyard and mom has made it doggy friendly so we can just turn the dogs loose and let them play.

The next week is going to be sooooo busy. We found out yesterday that Frank is due in Palo Alto on the 21st of April. We will begin packing up this evening. This weekend we are going to buy a trailer so we can load up all of our stuff this weekend. We are going to hopefully make it to the Alamo on Sunday.

I can't believe that our time here in Texas is just about over. Even though I missed my family so much I still liked being here. I'm sad because we never got to hook up with my cousin and his wife. Life just gets so busy for everyone.

It's going to be a long trip home. We are going from Austin to El Paso, staying the night, then from El Paso to El Centro. After a night's sleep we'll go from El Centro to Fresno. Each day will be about an eight hour drive....not looking forward to that. We will only be in Fresno overnight so hopefully I'll get to see my sisters and nieces.

I'm looking forward to being back in California. I will be closer to my family and will be able to go and see them.

I can't seem to shake this homesick feeling. This is the worst it has ever been. I talked to my mom yesterday and after I hung up the phone I bursted into tears. Mom said that she wishes we were there this coming week because my aunt and a few of my mom's friends were going to visit with her for the next couple of weeks. I wish I could be there with her to help with her house guests. Mom always asks when we are coming back and how long we will be there. I'm so thankful that I've been keeping busy with the financials and the dogs, but at the times I don't have anything going on I think of my family and how much I miss them. Melissa's great about sending me phone pictures of Eva, but I feel like I'm missing watching her grow up.

Today is Jazzi's first birthday. I can't believe that she's already a year old. My baby girl is now a big girl. I couldn't imagine my life without the dogs. They always seem to know when I'm sad and give me love when I need it. Sure, it's tough getting up in the middle of the night to take them downstairs to go potty, or to take them out first thing in the morning when I'm exhausted and they want to play. This weekend is the first time we are putting the in a petshotel. I'm so nervous about doing this. I know they will be fine because they like the people that work there and the people there just love the girls. I have guilt for leaving the girls so we can go out and have fun...silly huh??

As I sit here looking outside it depresses me. The weather is sl gloomy. The sky is a dark grey, the wind is blowing, and it's just a matter of time before the rain begins to pour. The girls are snuggled up next to me...one under the blanket and the other on top of the blanket. They are both used to each other...finally!! Potty training with Abby is so much better. She's learning that she needs to tell us when she needs to go out.

I've been keeping busy with lots of financial statements. They've done a great job of keeping me busy and from what I hear from them they are so glad that this is working out so well. I love having the extra money, which we are putting away for our weekend trips.

I'm super excited to be getting another tattoo with Frank. From the moment I saw the St. Valentine cross I knew I had to have it put on my body. My dad's name is Valentine and this will be my tribute to him. Everytime I look at it I will think of him and all the love he had for me. When I was a little girl and he was over at Vietnam he would send me letters and he created this character which he named "Block Head". I have all the letters he wrote me in storage and I think once we have time to go through the storage I want to get my box of letters out and have a tattoo of Block Head done.

How the heck did we already get into March?? What happen to January and February?? Seems as if I haven't had time to sit and type in my thoughts, hopes, and or dreams. I've been busy with working on financial statements for LL&Co...it's fun to have some "mad" money. I've been busy with the new puppy, Abby, and trying to get her potty trained, which seems to be a loosing battle. My patiences seems to be worn thin lately. I miss the weekends that we were able to put Jazzi in daycare and we could go to the grocery store and out to lunch together, but now since we have Abby we aren't able to do that. One of us must stay in the truck with the dogs while the other goes in to shop. But that will all change this weekend. Abby will be old enough and have all her shots so on Sunday we are putting then both in daycare for the day. Abby has been sick the past couple of days and for some strange reason it seems to only hit her in the middle of the night. So the past few nights I've been up with her every hour taking her outside...poor thing, I feel bad because I can't seem to make her feel better. I get a bit frustrated with Frank because he's the one that wanted to get another dog...I was fine with having just Jazzi, heck she was trained. But he thought she needed a playmate, and yeah she did but I'm the one that is dealing with the dogs. I'm the one taking the out for their potty breaks, I'm the one feeding them, I'm the one that is scolding them when they are getting into things they shouldn't be and it's really wearing on me. I love having Abby in our lives but man, I could really use some help from him.

I've been really homesick the last couple of weeks. Everytime I talk to my mom or sisters I get off the phone and just cry. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I realized how precious life is when we lost my aunt. I hate missing time with my mom and sisters. Flying home for a weekend now is pretty much impossible. I can't take both dogs with me and I wouldn't just take one of them and I know Frank can't keep both of them so I just have my phone calls to them. I'm so looking forward to going back there after this job is done. Although with our luck we will probably end up going somewhere else right after this job. I'm hoping we are back in California but you never know.

We've been in Texas for about four weeks and we really having done much. I'm so looking forward to our trip to Houston in three weeks and maybe we'll make it to San Antonio in a couple of weeks.

Sometimes I wonder why God does what he does. Why does he take our loved ones away from us? My Tia went to heaven at 10:35am today. She wasn't alone....her two kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids were with her. Mom said she went in afterwards and she looked peaceful, like she was sleeping. I feel like a piece of my heart has died. I know now I have another angel in heaven looking down on me, but I want to be selfish....I still want her here. I want to be able to hug her and tell her that I love her and that I'm so glad that she's my aunt.

I have guilt....I can't even be there to hug my mom, my sisters, my brother, or my cousins. I feel so far away. Frank was ready to put me on a plane a couple of days ago, but I told him I couldn't....I couldn't face this without him.

Now I wait to hear what the arrangements will be.

I'm feeling useless....well not really useless but like I'm letting my family down. I should be in Tucson with my mom and sisters helping my aunt, but I'm not. That was one of the things about me not working....I was suppose to be able to go anywhere my family needed me. I know if I tell Frank I want to go to Tucson he would say go, but I can't do that to him. We need to pack up and make our way to Fresno, plus we can't leave Jazzi by herself and I can't take her with me. I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. My brother asked me yesterday if I was going and I told him I couldn't and he made me feel like I was letting my aunt down....made me feel like shit. I know my mom, sisters, and aunt understand why I can't be there right now, but I'm having a hard time....I tend to be way too hard on myself. I forget I'm only one person and I can't be everywhere. I'm hoping once we get to Fresno and unload everything we will drive to Tucson for a few days.

On another note, I'm totally frustrated too. We will have no idea where Frank's next job is going to be. I try not to bug Frank about finding out......he tends to put things off until the last minute and that drives me nuts. It drives me nuts because I'm the one that needs to make the hotel reservations and the car-dolly reservation....plus I'm not a last minute person.

2008 is not starting out the way I was hoping......