Reflecting

The past few days I've been reflecting on this past year. It's hard to believe that 2007 is just about over....didn't it just start?? I have so many good and happy memories of this past year.

Memories of 2007: Starting another year with my wonderful husband, my family was healthy throughout the year, I still love not having to get up each morning and go to work, our many trips to Hollywood and Beverly Hills, celebrating my birthday in Beverly Hills at the Tiffany's store, flying home to see my niece graduation from college with her psychology degree, bringing Jazzi into our lives, flying to New York and being there for five weeks, visiting Ground Zero, celebrating our ten-year anniversary on a seven-day cruise, exchanging new Tiffany wedding bands with Frank, moving up to San Rafael, going home for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Along with the good comes the bad and sad.....those were having to postpone our visit with Walt and Becky, but looking forward to seeing them really soon in 2008. One of my favorite uncles passing away, and my favorite Tia having surgery scheduled on the 31st of this month.

As we say good=bye to 2007 I look forward to bringing in 2008. I'm not one for making resolutions because I don't want to disappointment myself when I break them.

Santa has come and gone

Another Christmas has come and gone and I'm so glad it's over with. This Christmas was bittersweet. For the month before Becky and I had talked about what we were going to do all together, plans were made, gifts were bought, and excitement was in the air.....we can't help the fact that things come up and change plans. We are all okay with this, at least I know I am, and are on hold to plan another reunion and a post-dated Christmas. Since our plans changed Frank and I decided we would drive to Fresno and spend Christmas with my family. Usually everyone would gather at my mom's Christmas Eve and we would exchange gifts to each other, but this year we didn't have that. Mom and I cooked dinner and got everything ready. My sister, Malu and her partner showed up with their two dogs, and my brother, SIL, and nephew came, then Melissa showed up. My oldest sister, Pat, and her daughter and three grandkids were also there. Missing was my sister, Rose, and her daughters and grandkids. Matthew was also there. I got mad at Matthew because as my mom and I were in the kitchen cleaning up after everyone ate (I was pissed at this point because it was my mom and me doing all the cleaning....no one else offered to help, although Malu was watching Jazzi for me and she's disabled I don't want her to offer) Matthew decided to give out his gifts to everyone.....hello, why isn't he waiting until we are all gathered around one of the trees (my mom had up ten trees). I just thought that was so rude, and I pulled him aside and told him. After the kitchen was done we gave out our gifts. Everyone left around 8pm and mom, Frank, Matthew, and I sat around the table talking....this was probably one of the best times of the day for me. We all went to bed around 10pm. We got up the next morning, showered and Frank made us breakfast. After the kitchen was cleaned we gathered around one of the trees and opened our gifts. Frank and I exchanged our gift cards, gave mom her gifts and Matthew opened all of his. Afterwards we packed up the truck, said good-bye to mom, dropped Matthew off, and hit the road. On the drive home I was very teary eyed because I hated leaving my mom, wished I could go with her to stay with my aunt for her surgery, because it just didn't seem like Christmas, and because Matthew didn't thank us for any of his gifts. I know Christmas isn't about what you get or how much, but a "thank you" from my step-son would have been nice, if not for me but for Frank. I told Frank I was done. I was not going to buy Matthew anything more, I was not going to plan for any of his visits, and at this point I don't want him to come and visit at all. Frank, my brother, nephew, and Matthew all went golfing on Monday. My brother paid for his and my nephew's, and when Frank went to pay for his Matthew said he didn't have any money to play and that Frank had to pay for him. So Frank paid for him, and also bought him lunch. When they got home Matthew asked me to take hin to the store to buy something and Frank asked him where he was getting the money, and Matthew told him he had $30!! He looked into his dad's face earlier in the day and lied to him......I was sooooooo mad. He never even thanked Frank for paying for his golf and lunch. How can kids be so ungrateful.

Anyway, I'm now so glad that the holidays are over and I'm looking so forward to the upcoming year.

I always thought I had a few best friends and maybe at one point in life I did, but at this point in my life I think, no I know, I only have two TRUE best friends....Frank and Becky. Frank is the one person that knows me the best. He knows how to make me smile and he knows how to make me cry, although he keeps away from the crying as much as he can. He has seen me at my best, he has seen me at my worst, and he has seen the inbetween....I guess that's what marriage vowes are all about. Since Becky has come back into my life I feel so different. I have a best friend that I can talk to about anything.....including the hubby!! There are just some things you don't discuss with your spouse and it's not like you are hiding things from them it's just you need a girlfriend's point of view on things. Right now my best friend, Becky, is having a tough time. I know how heartbroken she is because they had to postpone their trip to come and see us because Kleine got hurt. I know she's blaming herself for Kleine and has major guilt because of it. I wish I had the words to make all of her hurt and heartbreak go away. These are the times that I hate being so far away from people.

As soon as we know where we are locating next we will then begin making plans to reunite, in person. We will celebrate Christmas....just the four of us (and the fuzzy critters), opening presents, laughing, eating, drinking, and making so many more new memories. I look so forward to seeing her and Walt.

I feel like such a horrible person. Frank called me and was quite upset. He got a call from his sister, Elisabeth, saying that their aunt is in the hospital not too far from us and it's not looking real good. Frank feels like he has to go and see her, but I tried to explain to him that she's in intensive care and they only usually let in immediate family. But if he decides to go I totally support his decision. I will not be going with him though. His aunt and uncle have not been very nice to me.....reason being, I do not have the right skin color. Frank's mom is not coming to see her own sister unless it's at the end of her life....how selfish is that. His mom didn't even bother to call him and tell him what is going on, she felt she needed to call Elisabeth in Florida and have her call Frank. Granted we haven't talked to her in a few years, but come on she could have called Frank, not to mention Frank's cousins could have called him before it got this far and he could have gone to see his aunt before her surgery. I'm so tired of dealing with selfish people, yet I feel I'm being selfish because I have no desire to go and see anyone in his family. Frank is so much closer with my family because they treat him like he's part of the familyt. Frank's family have always looked down at me and my family....I'm sorry my skin is not white, but I am who I am, take me or leave me. We have done so much for his family, from loaning money to his sister, watching his brother's kids, and letting his stepbrother and his crazy girlfriend live with us and we paid their way, not to mention that the girlfriend stole from me. Anyway, I'm feeling guilty because I refuse to go to the hospital....I don't want to be around people who don't want me there.

Scared? No. Terrified? YES. Just got word that my Tia will be having brain surgery next week. We just don't know what day yet. Mom, LuLu, and Pat are driving to Tucson tonight. I'm still having a hard time grasping the fact that she's having brain surgery....how the hell did this happen. Normally I would be on a plane and be there with her but having Jazzi it's just not that easy to do. I could take her with me but where would I put her while I was at the hospital all day and probably night? Frank has to work and I don't want to put her in daycare for all the days I'm gone....it's not fair to her. So I will just stay at home, saying my prayers, sending positive thoughts, and wait for the phone to ring. Am I a terrible niece? I hope not. I know my Tia knows and understands the situation I'm in....she knows I'm praying for her and keeping her in my thoughts.

I'm terrified that I won't get to hug her one for time....I'm terrified that I won't be able to tell her how much she means to me....I'm terrified that I'm going to loss her. Stop that, keep good thoughts....good thoughts, good thoughts, good thoughts.

Frank had mentioned that we might have a couple of days inbetween jobs and thought maybe we'd go somewhere, well I think we need to go to Tucson, or at least I do. Everything depends on how much time we have between the next job and where the next job will be.

December 3, 1980, a day I will never forget. I remember what I wore to school, I remember who I hung out with, I remember who's house I was at, I remember what I was eating for lunch, I remember the knock on the door and my sister staying there saying dad was in the hospital and we needed to get there, I remember her running a few stop signs, I remember running up to the hospital and getting into the elevator, I remember walking into the waiting room where my mom and sisters were, I remember the doctor coming out and telling us what was going on and that everything would be okay, I remember the doctor saying only my mom could go in and be with my dad, I remember my sister and I leaving to go and call relatives because the doctor said dad would be okay and we could see him later, I remember going to my sister's apartment and looking out the window at the storm that was on the horizon, I remember the phone ringing and my sister crying, I remember her coming to hug me and tell me he was gone, I remember telling her that was not true because the doctor said he would be okay and we were going to go back to the hospital to see him, I remember is was 4:46pm, I remember driving to my house and the boy I was dating at the time was there waiting for me, I remember a few more of my friends coming in to see if I was okay, I remember my mom coming home and asking her when she was going to take me to go and see my dad, I remember tears, lots and lots of tears, I remember all the relatives coming to our house, I remember all the phone calls, I remember going to school because I needed to talk to my favorite teacher, I remember her telling me it would be okay and giving me her phone number, I remember sitting in the funeral home as people came up to say they were sorry, I remember walking up to the casket and looking down and thinking he looked like he was sleeping, I remember the limo picking us up and taking us to the church, I remember listening to the Priest and those that said the kind and loving words about my dad, I remember walking behind the casket and seeing the church so full, I remember getting back in the limo and driving to the cemetary, I remember sitting outside under the canopy as the Priest said more prayers, I remember the 21 gun salute, I remember the man in the uniform presenting the flag to my mom, I remember placing the rose on my dad's casket and telling him I loved him, I remember coming home to a house full of people some I knew others I didn't, I remember sitting out front in the cold with my friends and crying, I remember everyone leaving, I remember walking into the family room and sitting on the floor next to my dad's chair and knowing I will never sit on his lap again, I remember he wasn't there when I graduated from high school, I remember he wasn't there to walk me down the isle either time, I remember he will never physically be with me ever again.

They say time heals all wounds, well I find that untrue, my wounds are still so fresh, I still hurt when I think of my dad, I still miss is so much, and there are times I can close my eyes and feel him with me. It's been 27 years since I lost my dad, yet it feels like yesterday. I feel cheated because I didn't get to say good-bye, I didn't get to say I love you Daddy, I didn't get to have one last moment with him. I was angry with God for such a long time because of this, but after years I've learned that things happened for a reason, yet for the life of me I can't find the reason he took my dad at such a young age.

I know my dad is with me always, he's my guardian angel. I talk to him when I need to, I cry to him when I need to, and I laugh with him when I need to. Daddy, I know you see everything I do and I know you will read this....please know that I love you and think of your everyday. I was your baby girl and I always will be.

Where has the time gone??

It just seems like yesterday we were ringing in 2007...now we only have a few more weeks left of 2007. Lots happened in 2007. I began the year without a job, but it was by choice. We lived in several different places in 2007, El Segundo California, Rancho Cucamonga California, Long Island New York, Arcadia California, and now San Rafael California. We've gone to places that we probably never would have gone to. We went to Disneyland for three days and had a wonderful time. We walked along the Hollywood Walk of Fame and took hundreds of pictures of the stars along the way. We shopped many times in Beverly Hills. We purchased the most wonderful dog in the world that is totally spoiled. I've been on over ten flights this year and this is from someone that hates flying. We have traveled thousands of miles. People think my life is strange because we I live in hotels, but as long as I'm with Frank I'm as happy as can be. My life is not typical but then again I'm not a typical person. I love the idea that I'm able to spend so much time with Frank and that we actually "enjoy" being with each other (don't get me wrong, we have our disagreements) even after ten years of marriage. I do miss my family but have been lucky enough to be able to fly home to see them when I was really homesice. I miss my friends but keep in touch with them via emails. I do miss not having my own furniture but love the fact that when we got to our hotel room we make it as homey as we can. I feel totally blessed to have the life I have and wouldn't trade it for the world.

That sad feeling

Talked with my mom last night. She called to tell me that my aunt (Tia) is going the the neurologist for a MRI on Monday. My aunt was suppose to have surgery a couple of months ago to remove an aneurysm in her stomach. Well, when they did some more tests prior to the surgery they found that she has an aneurysm on her brain. I talked to her the other day and I can hear in her voice that she's terrified. My mom and sister are there with her to help out as much as they can. Mom and Malu are coming home Monday after the MRI, so hopefully the doctor will have the results then. Just as I was hanging up the phone with my mom she said to me, "Your Tia said that she could really use a bear hug from Frank right now." I held my emotion in until I hung up the phone and then the tears came. Frank asked what was wrong and I told him what my Tia said and it really hit him. The sad look on his face......my Tia knows if we could we would be there in a heartbeat. Frank and I both feel so hellpless in this situation. All's we can do is keep her in our prayers and send her good vibes.

Another Thanksgiving has come and gone

Why is it that you do all the shopping, then all the planning, all the cooking, and then all the cleaning for a meal that seems to take less than 30 minutes to eat?? So much work goes into Thanksgiving and it seems as if you blink it's gone. I guess this is just something we will never understand.

After Thanksgiving comes "Black Friday". Why in the world do people get up in the middle of the night to go shopping for holiday bargains?? I ask myself this question each year that I'm standing in line at the crack of dawn waiting for a store to open freezing my ass off!! LOL Yep, this year was no different, well it was a little different - we were in line at 3am instead of 5am. After shopping each year I say the same thing, "there is no way in hell I'm doing this again". When will I ever listen to myself.

The last couple of days have been strange for me...not only because my mom is not here but because I've been feeling like a terrible stepmom. Matthew's been with us since Thursday morning (730am). I'm trying sooooo hard to be patient with him, but it's not working. Everything he does seems to get on my last nerve. He's acting they way he did when he lived with us and it's bugging the hell out of me. He's suppose to be staying with us until Sunday but I really want to take him back to his group home in the morning. I know if I tell Frank this it will hurt his feelings and I don't want to do that....so again, I will put my feelings aside and just grin and bear it. I'm to the point that I don't even want him to come visit for five days (FIVE LONG DAYS) for Christmas....I sound like a horrible person don't I...I hate myself for feeling this way but I can't change the way I feel, I can only hide it.

Then Sunday we are meeting Jeff and Alison for lunch. Alison, who I used to talk to each and every day, has decided that I'm a bad parent because I couldn't handle my stepson. Sure, she works with special needs kids (3-6 year old) and thinks she knows what we went through, but she has no clue. She wasn't there when Matthew would say he hated me and didn't want me to have anything to do with me, she wasn't there when Matthew looked me in the eyes and said I was NOT his mother, she was not there when Matthew said he was sorry he ever came to live with us, she was not there the night that I collapsed with chest pains because of the hurt I was feeling. She only saw the Matthew that was the perfect kid when he would go and spend the day or weekend with her. She was not there to see the tears that rolled down my face everyday for over two years, she wasn't there as I had to sit through therapy sessions with Matthew saying how unhappy he was with everything, she wasn't the one that took so many days off from work to take Matthew to his doctor appointments and then to have him not appreciate me using my own personal vacation time for him, not me and Frank, but for him. Sure I didn't give birth to him, but I've given him more attention, support, and love than is biological mother ever did, yet Alison tends to forget that. How, please tell me how am I suppose to sit through a lunch, with a smile on my face acting like nothing is wrong....I'm a good actress but I don't think I'm that good. No one will ever understand what I've given to my stepsons and the hurt I feel because they never appreciated anything I did. How hard is it to say "thank you" to someone, how hard is it to say "I appreciate you doing this for me", how hard is it to be respectful???

I'm thankful for....

my amazing life, my wonderful husband who loves me no matter what, for this cute little puppy that is laying in my lap. I'm thankful for my mom who has always been there for me, my oldest sister for being the person she is, for my sister Rose for being such a ding-a-ling (in a good way) she always makes me laugh, for my sister Malu for being my best friend and always being there to listen to me and have a shoulder for me to cry on, for my brother for raising an amazing daughter. I'm thankful for all of my nieces, nephews, great nieces and great nephews, I just wish I could see them more. You have all grown up to be great people...I look forward to seeing what you all become in the future. I'm thankful that my stepson, Matthew, has figured out I'm not a bad person and wants me to be a part of his life. I'm thankful for my friends that have stayed in my life...those I've known since junior high school and those I've just met and all of those inbetween. I'm thankful for my friendship that has been rekindled with Becky....we've gone through major changes in both of our lives and were brought back to each other's lives for a reason...I promise to never let our friendship go again. I'm thankful for the opportunity to go to New York and see Ground Zero where so many lives were lost and the place that changed the lives of all Americans. I'm thankful for my doctors that have been trying so hard to figure out what is wrong with me....after all the tests we still don't know, but as long as I feel healthy I'm not going to let it get me down. I'm thankful for my personal angels that watch over me everyday. I'm thankful that I don't have to work and am able to be with Frank all the time. I'm thankful for the times that we've been able to play tourists and all of the places we'be been to and seen. I could probably go on and on for all the things I'm thankful for but my fingers would end up falling off....LOL

Missing the old days

We are leaving for Fresno tomorrow for Thanksgiving. I always remember Thanksgiving as being a family holiday. I have so many memories of past Thanksgivings....family would come in from out of town, there would be sleeping bags all on the floors of the cousins that would be there, the mom's in the kitchen fixing the dinner, all the good smells, the loud noises, football on the tv, but now everyone has gone their separate ways. Extended families no longer come for the holiday. My dad is in heaven watching over us all, mom and Malu are at Tia's in Tucson because Tia is having some medical issues and not sure how she's going to come through them, my sibilings are all married with families of their own so they will be having there own dinners. Frank and I are making our own dinner, Matthew will be there and I'm sure some of my sibilings, nieces, and nephews will come to visit, but it just won't be the same. I know things change as we get older, but how I long for those Thanksgivings past where the house was busting with so many people.

I always get sentimental this time of the year. I remember the boy I was dating in high school during this time of the year because we both went through a tramatic time. Lenny's father was in an auto accident the day before Thanksgiving and then a week later my father passed away. We were both there for each other, but then drifted away. A couple of weeks ago I received and email from Lenny out of the blue. We have not seen or talked with each other since 1981. We both think of the other during this time of the year, but never knew the other thought of the other until we started emailing back and forth.

I have so much to be thankful for.....I have a wonderful husband, who loves me for who I am....I have my family that I appreciate more than they will ever know....my health has been better than it has been in quite some years....I have met some wonderful new people this past year and have developed some new friendships with them....I've reconnected with one of my best friends, who I have missed so much.

I do hope that during this time of the year everyone stops to think of what they are thankful for and that they give thanks.

My life as a stepmom

Since I was a little girl I had always wanted to be married and be a mom. Isn't this the dream every little girl has? I was married the first time at 23. After about three months of being married I began feeling different. So I went to a clinic and had a pregnancy test done. It came back positive. I was on Cloud Nine but at the same time terrified. What the heck was I going to do with a baby. I was just adjusting to being a wife and now I was going to be someone's mom. I made an appointment for the following day with my doctor. After another pregnancy test and exam, the doctor told me I was not going to have a baby. I was one of the unlucky ones to have a false positive test. I was heartbroken. At that point I decided that I did want a baby and was going to get what I wanted. After a year of trying, I had to go and see a specialist. I was put on medication and after having female exams every six to eight weeks for two years, I was still not pregnant. Everyone kept telling me to relax and it would happen....that is probably one of the worst things you can say to someone that is trying to have a child. Years after being on the medication I did research to find out that the medication I was on could actually cause infertility. After seven years I finally came to the conclusion that I was not meant to have a baby. My first marriage fell apart after 9 years of marriage. It fell apart for many reasons...not being able to have a baby, a very controlling husband, and the fact that I was not "in love" with my husband. I loved him as a person, but I was not in love with him the way a wife is suppose to love a husband, and I didn't feel it was fair to either of us to stay married.

Frank then came into my life. We started out as friends....he was there for me when I needed a friend as I was going through a very bad divorce. He flew me out to Las Vegas to be with him for the weekend. The first time he put his arms around me I knew I loved him and that he was my soul mate. We had a wonderful weekend together....I didn't want it to ever end. Three weeks later I was packing my car up and moving to be with him in Las Vegas. We were married eight months later. When I introduced him to my family they instantly fell in love with him. Everyone saw how happy I finally was. We too tried to have a baby....but I refused to involve medication. I hated all the chemicals that were pumped into my body. I was also to the point that I told myself if I was meant to be a mom I would be, and for once in my life I was okay with that. Although Frank had two boys from a previous marriage, they did not live with him. In fact he did not know where they were....their mother had run off with them.

Fastforward to present time......the boys came back into Frank's life about three and a half years ago. Tommy does not talk with us....apparently he's mad because we didn't make a big deal about him breaking up with his girlfriend. Matthew lives in Fresno in a group home. We went a few months that he didn't want us to be a part of his life and that hurt Frank so much. Matthew is now wanting us to be a part of his life. I've done a lot for these boys that aren't even my children yet they wanted more. They were not grateful for anything and began to expect things and when I didn't come through with what they wanted they shut me out. I finally got to the point where I was tired of being taken advantage of and refuse to be treated with no respect. Matthew is trying very hard to mend the fence the destroyed by hurt me and his dad. Tommy, well I don't know if he'll ever come around. It's his loss...but the sad thing is, he doesn't even realize how much he is hurting his dad.

I take one day at a time with the boys. I have a wonderful husband that loves me and accepts me for who I am.

One thing has come out of this though.....I am a mom, and everytime Matthew calls me "mom" my heart smiles.