Since I was a little girl I had always wanted to be married and be a mom. Isn't this the dream every little girl has? I was married the first time at 23. After about three months of being married I began feeling different. So I went to a clinic and had a pregnancy test done. It came back positive. I was on Cloud Nine but at the same time terrified. What the heck was I going to do with a baby. I was just adjusting to being a wife and now I was going to be someone's mom. I made an appointment for the following day with my doctor. After another pregnancy test and exam, the doctor told me I was not going to have a baby. I was one of the unlucky ones to have a false positive test. I was heartbroken. At that point I decided that I did want a baby and was going to get what I wanted. After a year of trying, I had to go and see a specialist. I was put on medication and after having female exams every six to eight weeks for two years, I was still not pregnant. Everyone kept telling me to relax and it would happen....that is probably one of the worst things you can say to someone that is trying to have a child. Years after being on the medication I did research to find out that the medication I was on could actually cause infertility. After seven years I finally came to the conclusion that I was not meant to have a baby. My first marriage fell apart after 9 years of marriage. It fell apart for many reasons...not being able to have a baby, a very controlling husband, and the fact that I was not "in love" with my husband. I loved him as a person, but I was not in love with him the way a wife is suppose to love a husband, and I didn't feel it was fair to either of us to stay married.
Frank then came into my life. We started out as friends....he was there for me when I needed a friend as I was going through a very bad divorce. He flew me out to Las Vegas to be with him for the weekend. The first time he put his arms around me I knew I loved him and that he was my soul mate. We had a wonderful weekend together....I didn't want it to ever end. Three weeks later I was packing my car up and moving to be with him in Las Vegas. We were married eight months later. When I introduced him to my family they instantly fell in love with him. Everyone saw how happy I finally was. We too tried to have a baby....but I refused to involve medication. I hated all the chemicals that were pumped into my body. I was also to the point that I told myself if I was meant to be a mom I would be, and for once in my life I was okay with that. Although Frank had two boys from a previous marriage, they did not live with him. In fact he did not know where they were....their mother had run off with them.
Fastforward to present time......the boys came back into Frank's life about three and a half years ago. Tommy does not talk with us....apparently he's mad because we didn't make a big deal about him breaking up with his girlfriend. Matthew lives in Fresno in a group home. We went a few months that he didn't want us to be a part of his life and that hurt Frank so much. Matthew is now wanting us to be a part of his life. I've done a lot for these boys that aren't even my children yet they wanted more. They were not grateful for anything and began to expect things and when I didn't come through with what they wanted they shut me out. I finally got to the point where I was tired of being taken advantage of and refuse to be treated with no respect. Matthew is trying very hard to mend the fence the destroyed by hurt me and his dad. Tommy, well I don't know if he'll ever come around. It's his loss...but the sad thing is, he doesn't even realize how much he is hurting his dad.
I take one day at a time with the boys. I have a wonderful husband that loves me and accepts me for who I am.
One thing has come out of this though.....I am a mom, and everytime Matthew calls me "mom" my heart smiles.
No comments:
Post a Comment